Dial M for Mother

Had the weirdest dream ever in which basically everyone I’ve ever known and loved and fallen out with showed up in a haunted house. It wasn’t the pleasantest dream while it was going on (there were also some mice and a couple of gory deaths involving parents), but when I woke up I sensed it could be in some way cathartic.

Maybe this had something to do with the amount of drink I had yesterday night, or maybe not. Alcohol has rarely released anything for me, except maybe a propensity to go first louder, than ever quieter than usual. But then it was a weird night all round, and alcohol was merely the final touch in a long list of semi-debaucheries.

In other news, my mum said this to me the other day: I wish to say sorry for giving birth to you. Such a weird/sad moment that I now can’t unhear. I take it (at least I hope) she doesn’t mean she regrets giving birth to me, but that she’s sorry she couldn’t give me what she’s always called ‘the gift of happiness’?

Parents, at least mine, can be such temperamental, self-centred individuals, prone to saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and remaining stubbornly silent on vital issues. But then I guess I could be too. My more monstrous qualities have simply been dulled by persistent low mood. I know that full well, which leads me to wonder what would finally happen were the mood/ general discombobulation (S’s favourite word) to lift?

I don’t think I really want to know, hence I’ll remain in the fog, for now.


  1. Perhaps you can get your meds adjusted to lift ur mood? Perhaps your “monstrous qualities” are worsened by low mood, not dulled.

  2. I guess you have a point. I’m always looking into re-adjustment of meds but my doc is pretty averse to changing anything these days (if it ain’t exactly broke don’t fix it) – maybe I should change doc instead lol!

  3. lol I guess I didn’t phrase this very well…I guess what I meant by ‘the gift of happiness’ was merely ‘the conditions to be happy in/tools to make your own happiness’?

    Re your earlier comment about monstrous qualities/lifting mood, yea you do have a point of course. I’m not resigned to permanent low mood yet, but sometimes the meds don’t really work, and behavioural therapy really depends on finding the right therapist, who I haven’t quite met yet….

    anyway sorry this reply came so belatedly lol….was busy and I guess I just pushed wordpress out of my mind…

  4. What better conditions/tools do u think ur parents could’ve given u?

    Dun wanna oversimplify, but maybe small steps help

  5. I’m not really sure…..but maybe better sex ed? being less self-absorbed? being less pessimistic themselves? don’t mean to sound like they’re terrible parents lol (which of course isn’t the case); a lot of my ‘unhappiness’ is probably due to my own breakdown in resilience

    And thanks….I’m trying to set more small (i.e. achievable) goals to get myself out of the whole mess. Slowly getting there.

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