Being

Sometimes when I look as if I’m very far away, I am in fact trying really hard to be present.

Being present has never been harder than it is right now. Sometimes when I open my eyes, I feel like the apocalypse is upon me. But then all that’s before me, in reality, is merely a plastic bag and some kids running around in a park.

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Dispatches from Toytown

Finally on the edge of finishing a shit-tonne of work. I forgot that it’s actually rather pleasant to work hard, provided that my brain can function moderately and that said work is not so challenging as to be crushing. Ah, one more day and freedom will be mine again! If only for a week or so.

A lot of unpleasant characters at work, but what can I say. I am somewhat reminded of the time my friend delivered this verdict on one of my oldest, bestest friends: ‘She’s not a bad person, but that doesn’t mean she’s a good person either.’ I suppose that’s where most people lie, in those morally grey areas of shade. Continue reading

Minutiae

Too busy to think these days. Even forgot the lipstick yesterday and felt really shitty and somewhat naked as I sat through the morning MTR rush of pretty ladies and doddering old men, thinking to myself: My, there was a time when to go out fresh-faced and make-up-free was a viable option.

Am very annoyed with several things in my life, but don’t feel particularly compelled to correct them right now as 1. Feel enslaved to somewhat shitty job + shitty freelance and 2. Pride’s getting in the way. One day I will potentially feel sad and ashamed instead of annoyed but right now all I feel is a profound sense of irritation, with myself, with other people – both close and not-so-close.

To sum up:

As the heart grows older/It will come to such sights colder

(I had this pinned up above my bed when I was at uni, which says a lot about my mental health I daresay)

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A little visual pick-me-up:

Bunny Maira Kalman

Wish I could be more like the bunny in question and less like the current slothful, lethargic me.

Need to find find viable ways of ‘meaningful distraction’ – be it long walks or non-fiction books or new video games.

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning, joggers are whizzing through the neighbourhood, the trees are filled with birdsong – but here I’m curled up on the couch, staring into space…

I wish words like ‘spring’ and ‘action’ could yet apply to me.

Late Summer Musings

paula rego

      Picture by Paula Rego

When I get depressed, the ambition and the spikiness gets pushed back to a very deep place. Rough edges get blurred out by tears. Somehow, I always come off as nice and chill and more beta than usual when it’s heartbreak season. My feelings of defeat gets misconstrued as softness. Which is misleading, perhaps most of all to myself, because I start to doubt what sort of person I really am. Even more confusing when I look back at history!

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