- Grateful for old friends, for burgundy manis, for oysters, roast chicken and gin, but also frustrated that I haven’t seem able to make proper new friends since the advent of the, what can i call it, ‘mental accident’? it’s almost as if I’m stuck in a bubble in the past, and every time I meet someone for some everyday thing, I have to time-travel at an almost impossible speed in order just to catch up.
- Have been to a multitude of weddings in the past few years, and have grown used to the standard mix of boring/touching/yawns/tears. Some, of course, stood out because it was more touching than boring, some (acquaintances rather than friends) I have now half-forgotten because it was more boring than touching, and I was glad to beat a hasty retreat across the dance floor. But tonight I heard, from my parents, the strange story of a wedding they’d just been to – the bride was beautiful, the groom old and decrepit, albeit enormously rich, and also enormously gluttonous, egotistical and snobbish. Apparently, he said (several times) that he’s marrying her because she was ‘so beautiful’, but said nothing about inner beauty…whereas she remained dumb and silent throughout, as if posing for a shot in which smiling is strictly forbidden. Throw a loud, braying sister into the mix (‘I would just like to make sure that I’m understood, so for those who can speak English, please raise your hand’?!) and you get a Greek tragedy. ( the groom is Greek). My mum said the wedding left a nasty taste in her mouth – it wasn’t a celebration of love; rather, it was about two people using each other for their separate ends. But to each their own of course. And I trust that given the unreadability of this blog the stars of this story won’t ever read this? phew, indeed.
- it’s that time of the year, rainy, summery, in-between, whatever, when I feel like quitting again. Summer is a pile-up of courses I just can’t teach – Hardy’s poetry, random Asian poems, Balzac, things which I am no longer good at analysing, apparently. Add to that my general traumatic experience with teenagers and I’d have to say maybe it’s adios between me and _ _ _, the three-letter company for which I work?
- Judging by the frequency of my meetings with Dora, I could almost conclude she’s the love of my life (Not). But there’s just something comforting about a face known of old, even if that face is framed by the worst perm ever. She lectured me half-heartedly about job/marriage as usual, but then relented and told me if i find things too stressful and my mental health too precarious, maybe I should find a part-time job which doesn’t require the use of my brain. But doesn’t she know, all jobs require the use of brains, even scooping ice-cream and tallying up the bill, maybe especially that? (not to mention that it’ll give me sore wrists as well)
- Everything I used to love dissolving in sea of fissures. Reading, writing, movies, men, women, animals – everything is cracked and fucked. I find it difficult to read more than a page before wondering if I’m secretly dyslexic, writing is becoming an increasingly uphill battle (unless blathering here counts as proper writing), intellectual movies I find a chore, and as for humanity, well, it has just stopped making sense to me, when everything used to be crystal clear, however complicated. Where will I ever be able to find my man/woman/animal if this continues? Will I ever?
- Lastly, reproduction, the final daisy in the chain of love. Everyone is having babies these days – pregnant is the new black! My best friend (ostensibly) is puking day and night because of said pregnancy. Ran into an old friend the other day at Eric Kayser and lo and behold, looks like the baby’s gona pop out anytime soon. And etc, etc, until it feels like everyone is on this mad dash to adhere to Nature’s timeline and reproduce before it’s officially too late.i’m jealous, but what can i do? out of the prerequisite ten strokes, i’m not even on the first yet, as my mum says. It’s odd, saddening, and frightening, but where they used to be electricity through my bloodstream, there’s a new sense of frigidity, and it shows in my body language. no longer can i hold someone’s gaze for a heartbeat before letting my eyes flutter to the floor; no longer can I say ‘come hither’ without it sounding like an imperative to be ignored.
- Trying to read so many things at the same time, and failing. The girl in the spider’s web, Between the world and me, Mona Awad’s 13 ways of looking at a fat girl, Chrstine Montross’s into the fire – perhaps I should just give it up and look at Bible verses instead, in order to re-educate my mind. For yes, there is something comforting about the fire and brimstone of the Old Testament – all that drama, all that punishment, and all that redemption.